Sunday, December 23, 2007

Episode 13, Does Your E-Mail Get Dumped?

Aren’t lists wonderful? Morning drive radio is full of lists of the top ten this or that ad infinitum, most of it for your entertainment and mine. However this blog is for your enlightenment and not entertainment. Getting dumped is not funny! Even if it’s just your e-mail that gets dumped, trashed, deleted or worse yet, sent to the junk mail folder. So you are smart enough not to use dirty words in polite conversation why not avoid nasty turn-offs and alarms in the subject lines of your e-mails?

In real life you can get dumped for a lot of reasons. You can get dumped because of the way you dress, your personality, your income, your lifestyle, your conversation and YOU WILL KNOW YOU HAVE BEEN DUMPED!
It’s a little different in the cyber world.
Here are some categories of subject lines to avoid as if they could cause a catastrophic pandemic.

Special Offer,
Free, act Now, Be Your Own Boss, Money
100% free; 50% off; Act now1; Apply now: Contains $$$; $$$$$; Deep Discount! Double your money, time, investment, etc.; Double your income; Earn big buck, $, extra cash, huge paycheck! Easy terms; Low monthly payments! Eliminate Debt; Extra Income;
Fast Cash; Financial Freedom: FREE; Free Access: Free Gift; Free Info: Free Offer: Free samples! Get Out of Debt: Loans: Lower your mortgage rate! Lowest insurance rates! Make Money! Work from home! Be your own boss! Cash Bonus! Credit! Need extra life insurance? Mortgage! OFFER! Home Based! Refinance!

The infomercials on these subjects are myriad. Your potential customer wakes up in the middle of the night to them, shudders and heads for the bed from the couch. What makes you think that your e-mails will fair any better.

Flea Market!

Hello! Do you really want that clientele anyway? They want it cheaper, more of it and don’t care about quality as long as they can get it for fifty cents. Personally I would be insulted to get an e-mail like this from you.

All words that relate to sex or pornography –dah!

Let’s go a little further, though: hot, Levitra, Viagra, Increase your size; Stimulate. Satisfaction, Cialis—When the moment is right, your prospective client will hit DELETE.

All words that related to cures or medication:

Valium –I get enough junk mail about medications that sometimes I might think I need a valium but I don’t want your e-mail about it.
Vicodin—Right! I know you are a pain already!
Xanax—if I didn’t have you bothering me with this inanity, I wouldn’t need a calmative!
Herbal—I already have a Chia pet in my window!
Lose weight—the scale already tells me that, don’t need an e-mail to remind me. What’s next, a talking scale that says, “Good morning, fatso?”
Medicine –Right now, you are being a pill, don’t need anymore!
Online Pharmacy—this makes me wonder if a margherita and a tattoo across the border comes with this e-mail!

All superlatives:
Amazing, that was one of the first words my 24 year old learned when he was two!
You're a winner! I am thinking to myself, how could this person possibly know THAT!
E.x.t.r.a. Punctuation—Get a life!
Winner! Lottery! That is strictly Third World country mentality and that’s usually where it is coming from.
Anything that looks like you are YELLING!
Capitalization and huge letters are a big "no, no" here or did your twelve year old forget to tell you that as she was chatting on line to her friends.

Avoid! Buy! Call now! Click Here! Collect! Compare! Consolidate! Get! Instant! Limited time! Lose! Not Spam! Now only! Only! Open! Don't delete!
When someone tells me, “do not delete this e-mail,” guess what I do? These words remind me of the sixties song, Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs!

Biggest tacky and scary technique: Your family, Your own, Dear Friend, For only, For you, Friend, Hello
The next thing I am waiting for is a home invasion or a pop up that says, “Congratulations sucker, I just shot your computer with an AK 47 Virus Gun.

As seen:

As seen on Oprah; as seen on TV; g a p p y t e x t; Hidden
“Oh, Lord, I just fell asleep at the computer and I am dreaming that the television infomercials have invaded it.”

Information you requested
—I am expecting a major spam attack, spy ware or a virus here.
In the same vein: Online degree: Online marketing; Opportunity; Promised you; Removes; Reverses; Search engine listings; Serious cash; Starting with a dollar amount;
Stop or stops; Teen—I am waiting for the FBI at my door on this one!
Undisclosed recipient –This is like the plain brown wrapper that is used to mail unobjectionable material.

Be real, be inventive and considering the trillions of words in the English language, try to be creative, sincere and tell the truth and how about this? Develop an e-mail list that is specifically yours and that you have permission to use and then if you backslide into the cyber gutter which uses all of this crap, hopefully those prospects who know you will not mind.

If you'd like the audio on this please listen to the archived version of "Monday Morning Marketeer" at:
Scroll to: Episode 13
© Joanne Quinn-Smith, 2007

This article may be reprinted with permission by e-mail and this by-line:

Joanne Quinn-Smith, Creative Energy Officer of Dreamweaver Marketing Associates is the host of Monday Morning Marketeer. Listen at:
Or find show notes at:

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